Hoping It'd Get Lovelier the Second Time Around

I was once sooo afraid...



I know the fear has always been there for so long. Much longer than I can remember.



I fear of failure. Of not being able to pull it off.



I've done it once... and failed miserably.



I hated how people saw me after that. No matter how they try to look sympathetic for you and your miseries, they will, and always WILL talk behind your back.



I hated the sinking feeling when it doesn't fit the way you want it to, no matter how much you tried to make it work. You know you've already done everything you could, endured painful hours of sacrifice, and resisted lots of temptation (which is so damn hard) all because you want to be the perfect fit... but still, to no avail.



I hated the fact that you sometimes show people how happy and comfortable you are being in it, even if you know it's killing you inside and it's making your stomach growl eveytime. It does strain you to your very core, but just to uplift the honor, you'd grin and bear it... EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME!



I hated the feeling of having all eyes on you just because you took the risk. It's as if all the people around you haven't took the same risk you did. Nobody really cares, right? But why it's as if everyone's eyes is on you, waiting for that small slip to get noticed even before you know it.



I hated the feeling of being too controlled... of being too inhibited on how I ought to move or act lest it gives way and departs from my whole vulnerable being just because I was too "galawgaw".



I hated the thought of being seen. What would they say? That it's so improper for a mom to do? That a woman a few weeks short of being granted her annulment papers and reclaiming singleness and her old surname suddenly became this wild and immoral?



I hated the social stigma it brings. We Filipinos were brought up to be conservative. Other than that, in a culture such as this, what I am going through right now is still kinda unacceptable for most of our conservative freaky society (trust me, I'd allow my son or sisters to do it as many times as they want to).



I hated the way I looked. It was as if jumping into one of these too soon was one of the reasons it failed miserably the first time. I wasn't good enough... will I be good enough this time around?



I hated the feeling of having to live up to expectations. I was afraid of not being able to fit the bill like they thought I was supposed to.



I hated the feeling of having every inch of me exposed to another.



I hated the possibility that it would show my flaws in public.



I hated being in it.



Now things took a 180 degree turn.



Realizing that you can have something better than what you had before, it suddenly made you think, What the heck? I don't wanna live the rest of my life wondering about the might-have-been's and shoulda, woulda coulda's. I am at the prime of my life. I so deserve this. To hell with what other people may think! I am happy, and being in another one of these will make me love myself more than I could ever imagine. It's time for me to take the risk. Even though that the possibility of failing again is still there, that won't make me stop experiencing this. I've moved on from the past mistake and I am now very much willing to go through it again. Much more confident this time because I now know better.



And I love the feeling!



I am no longer afraid...



I deserve to be happy, and I hope everyone can be happy for me as well...


I'm ready this time...



Pucha! Ang init na kasi! Damn the diet! Damn what you'd all think!





I'm now ready, very ready, to don a much better fitting bikini and HIT THE BEACH!!!






Can't wait for summer. :)